All My Friends Are Beneath the Planet of the Apes

All I Wanted Was a Nice Piece of Noodle Kugel

2009-05-22T04:06:17Z

The city of Santa Clarita is in the very northern part of Los Angeles County where suburban sprawl vomits out onto Interstate 5. The city is comprised of the smaller communities of Saugus, Canyon Country, Newhall and Valencia, which is where my wife and I have lived for most of the last 7 years. If you’ve ever driven north on the 5 on your way out of Southern California, you’ve passed our main drag; Magic Mountain Parkway which is named for a historic and bloody act of Chaos Magick that occurred not far from where the the exit ramp stands today.

For the uninitiated, the ethnic makeup of this area is dominated by populations of Mormons and various Christian denominations. There is, however, a small Jewish population served by a couple of reform congregations, one of which shares as its sanctuary a former movie theater with a fundamentalist group. When the rapture comes, the Jews will have the theater to them selves and will finally be able to build the torah arc they’ve been fundraising for.

I have always felt a little out of place here and the feeling was partially formed by two seminal events that took place early in my residence. The first was in 2002 while I was in line waiting to pay for dog food at the local Petco. I noticed a man in front of me with a bag of crickets in one hand and a bag of goldfish in the other. Being the inquisitive and friendly guy that I am, I inquired as to what pets he was sacrificing these creatures to. His reply was, “the goldfish are for our Piranhas and the crickets are for the Pacman Frog.” My instinctive reaction was to ask if “Pacman Frog” was a cuter, more easily pronounced name for some creature with a tortuously long Latinate name or was it some new evolutionary leap? I was completely taken by surprise when my fellow animal-lover looked at me as if I were holding a small turd under his nose. A vein began to pulse in his forehead and his face burned red. As he turned his back on me he said, “I wouldn’t know about that. I don’t believe in evolution.”

Now I’m not naïve to the strongly held beliefs of fundamentalist America but for some reason I was completely surprised by his reaction. So much so that, upon exiting the store with my forty pounds of kibble, I was moved to call my liberal Jewish mommy in Brooklyn. As I watched this man walk through the heat-distorted parking lot to his bright yellow Hummer, I listened to my mother say, “Nu? And you want I should move out there to live with you?” Suddenly, I felt completely alien.

The second of these alienating events took place on Superbowl Sunday that same year. I had gone to the local “kosher-style” deli to purchase snackage for my New York friends who had made the long drive up from the Hollywood area to enjoy the game with us. As I purchased bagels, lox, cream cheese and the makings for classic deli sandwiches, I noticed about a dozen traditional pastries called rugaluch in the pastry case. I asked the perky and somewhat Nordic-looking young woman behind the counter for the rugaluch and she corrected me by saying, “They’re called rugala.” Okay… I admit that I can be an asshole when my feathers get ruffled. I’m one of those people that just has to be right when he knows damn well that he is. “No, Arugula is a leafy vegetable. This,” I said tapping on the glass case, “is pronounced rugaluch.” I emphasized the Hebraic throat clearing sound that results when Jews spell anything with “ch”.

“Well, this is America,” she said with defiant zeal, “and in America we have the god-given right to pronounce things correctly.”

“Exactly right,” I thought to myself as I paid for my bagels, pastrami and tip-tongue.

Cossacks later destroyed the deli in a small pogrom.

Fast forward to yesterday. For the past couple of weeks, I’ve seen signs advertising a “Jewish Food Festival” to be held in the parking lot of an up-scale strip mall. The festival was a fund raiser for one of the local congregations and I thought, “what a wonderful opportunity to eat a kasha knish, a tip-tongue sandwich and just maybe a nice piece of noodle kugel.”

So, it was with a gurgling in my belly that I drove with Linda to the Festival. Linda, who considers herself a “recovering Catholic” and makes a mean brisket, was anticipating this feast as much as I was.

The first thing I saw from our space in the parking lot was a truck selling Italian Ices. Having been raised in a predominantly Jewish and Italian neighborhood in Brooklyn, this felt like it made sense is some peripheral way and I let it slide. After paying five bucks for admission and twenty bucks for food tickets, we walked in and were greeted by a host of pizza stands, tables of hamburgers, and booths offering various crap in the way of poorly made “Judaica” imported from Israel and China. To be fair, there was a guy with a cart selling Hebrew National hot dogs and Bristol Farms supermarket was selling bagels.

I was standing in the 104-degree heat feeling terribly deflated when I spied the most bizarre sight of the entire afternoon. There, next to the Krav Megah demonstration, the Bounce House and the out of tune Klezmer band was a booth selling temporary tattoos.

I’ve been the butt of my fair share of friendly jokes regarding my permanently inked appendages and the fact that (even if I wanted to) I couldn’t be buried in a Jewish cemetery. I was astonished at the irony of this sight. Jews consider tattoos to be signs of slavery and it’s apparently a sin to mark yourself in any way. I remember getting slapped by Rabbi Lewis in Hebrew school for writing on my arm with a ballpoint pen.

I went home tired, burnt and slightly nauseated by the sun-baked sauerkraut that I slathered on my Hebrew National quarter pound frank. I took solace in the cool of my air-conditioned suburban town home, my dogs and the comfort of my mixed ethnicity household. Hopefully in the not to distant future we will make our exodus to New York. Until that time, I’ll hold my breath and smile at my neighbors.

That’s my rant for today. It’s been festering for a while and the events of yesterday brought it to a head. To my friends down in “the City”: Please come visit.

It's fun to torture friends...

2009-03-22T23:27:45Z

I'm sorry... I know this is wrong but I think it's brilliant. Some guy hooked four of his friends up to electro-stim units controlled by some sort of sequencer (fetishmystique will know what this is I'm sure). It's like a facial ballet. It might be a bit too long for some but be patient and get through the first 30 seconds....

Course in Miracles

2009-03-20T19:32:10Z

I just found this on a sheet of paper that my friend MItch gave me when I was in the loony bin:

Give up Judgement
As in condemnation
Increase Judgment
As in Discernment
And ask only for
Exactly what you want
In every situation

From A Course in Miracles

Life is really excellent

2009-03-20T16:50:00Z

No more loony bin... LIfe is good.

Sasha is coming home today. Woooooooot! My meds work. Double wooooooot!

I love ledasgirl .... She loves me! Fuckin-A Wooooooot.

Sooooo tired.....

2008-08-24T18:44:07Z

Oh so very tired.....

I don't sleep past 5:30AM anymore. I physically can't.

I get out of bed... Have coffee.... Feed and walk Hankie... And go to work. By 7:30 this morning, I had written a rough draft of a case study and done the dishes from last night's feast .

While the productivity is lovely, I'm tired by 9.

I want my old slothey ways back!

However, I'm excited. A (my 15 year old stepson) is graduating from Garage Band to Logic. We're heading to the Apple Store to pick up a copy in a few minutes. I just want to say how proud I am of this kid. He just does stuff without much fuss. He's pretty fearless and launches himself head long into the fray. I wish I was that way when I was fifteen.

Update on our liittle community.....

2008-08-18T14:18:54Z

A judge has accepted Landsource's request for chapter 11 restructuring and has given Barclay's bank to free up the operating capitol that they need to complete the job. When I inquired at he sales office, they still could not tell me when the shared amenities would be complete.

Feeling like a painful fucking was coming our way, I had a friend take the tour of the model homes here and ask about the pool and it's supposed completion. They also got the price sheet for the complex which turned out to be bad news.

First of all, despite the freed-up capital,the three pools will not be done until next summer. Again... We were told that they'd be done this last May. This is amazing to me since most of the project is apparently complete based on the view from outside. The second problem is that the price sheet indicates that prices for a comparable model to our home has dropped ten percent since we bought eight months ago. This is no doubt due to a combination of general economic factors and Lanna dropping the price in order to sell in this market where no one gets a mortgage.

I know the president is not the Commander and Chief of the economy and that our economy is based on market forces BUT he and his have gone a long fucking way in creating the environment where this can happen. I was sick of them before this all happened to to us. Now I'm doubly sure that if McBrain gets elected I'm learning French and we're moving to Montreal.

Note to self: double the amount of calls you make for Obama... Not THAT enamored of French food.

I'll post some good news later.... I'm just getting up and cranky....

The No-Poop Zone: colorofchange.org

2008-07-26T14:37:08Z

I love the colorofchange.com campaign to bitch-slap Fox Noise ifor their incredibly racist actions including referring to Michelle Obama as Barack's baby momma, referring to Lynching Parties and the use of other inflammatory and racist terminology.

Quoted from a colorofchange.org outreach email, "

Dear _______,
On Wednesday, Fox got a taste of what can happen when folks who care about racial justice come together and push back. The seconds you took to sign the Fox petition helped create a major story in the mainstream media. Here's how it unfolded on Wednesday:

1:00 p.m. Your signature was printed off at a New York City Kinko's along with 620,126 others--filling 19 big boxes.

2:00 p.m. The signatures were piled in front of Fox's national headquarters at 6th Avenue and 48th Street.

3:15 p.m. Hip hop star Nas (whose new album had just risen to #1 on the Billboard charts hours earlier) joined over 100 ColorOfChange.org members and delivered the petitions to Fox on behalf of ColorOfChange, MoveOn, and Brave New Films.

3:30 p.m. Fox refused to accept the petitions. (Sometimes, the truth hurts.)

4:00 p.m.-9:00 p.m. News of Fox's racism and the star-studded petition delivery made its way around the world--with stories in Vibe, Rolling Stone, Billboard, USA Today, Associated Press, Reuters, Bossip, Huffington Post, MTV, OpenLeft, and over 200 other places.

11:30 p.m. Stephen Colbert welcomed Nas as his guest on the Colbert Report and dedicated over half of his show to Fox's racism. The boxes containing our signatures were stacked prominently on Colbert's set in place of his normal interview table and chairs--and he conducted the entire interview surrounded by petitions! Then, Nas performed his new song "Sly Fox," which is all about Fox's racism.

Since then, our powerful message to Fox keeps spreading, and they're sounding desperate. True to form, Fox responded with a racially insensitive statement comparing our partner MoveOn to the Klan -- yes, the KKK! It's outrageous -- comparing an organization that works everyday to engage citizens in politcs to a hate group that hunted and murdered Black people in a reign of terror. It's another example of how far Fox will go, but it also shows that they can't address the real issue -- their racist attacks -- because they have no defense.

But the fight's not over. This week, we changed the conversation about Fox and we'll keep bringing the heat -- watch for a message for us in about a week for next steps. But for now, enjoy the video of Wednesday's petition delivery and the video of Colbert.

NAS DELIVERS TO FOX NEWS

COLBERT REPORT INTERVIEW AND NAS PERFORMING "SLY FOX"

Stand by colorofchange.org to help make Fox and friends accountable for their racists mudslinging propaganda that they spin on behalf of the white house and consrvative republicans.

The truth is that the REPUBLICANS CAN'T WIN A CAMPAIGN RUN ON THE ISSUES. They know they'll lose on the issues and therefore must run a campaign based on lies, disassembly, revisionism and baseless attacks

Spaghetti Western Orchestra

2008-07-10T18:18:16Z

Brilliant!

Lennar Homes sucks big moose cock!

2008-07-08T02:04:10Z

Ahhh... Life in Santa Clarita!!!

So... When we bought this place the community wasn't completely built. It's still not completely built and the fact that the company that's responsible for all of the common areas has filed for Chapter 11 restructuring is not going to help matters.

The pool and recreation center were supposed to be complete by May. Because of the bankruptcy proceedings, we're not going to see a pool here until after the summer at best.

The builder, Lennar, sent us a letter offering us passes for two to the local "Aquatic Center" which is a lovely way of saying public pool. As an option to that they offered us passes for two to Hurricane Harbor - the local water park. Wowee!

I was moved to write a letter today to the Regional VP of Lennar thanking him for his magnonimity in making that gesture. It's some of the funniest shit I've written lately. I hope the asshole enjoys it.

July 7, 2008

Bob Tummolo
Regional Vice President
Lennar Homes
28460 Ave. Stanford
Suite 200
Valencia, CA 91355

Dear Bob,

Thank you for acknowledging the fact that the recreational facilities at West Creek are not yet complete. We are aware that unanticipated delays do arise however we’re very concerned and somewhat disturbed by the fact that Lennar cannot tell us WHEN the recreation center and club house will be completed.

All we have heard are promises that they WILL be open at some point. It is very unsettling to hear that Lennar’s explanation for the delay is that the company that is responsible for construction of common areas in our community (a company in which Lennar is a minority partner) has filed for Chapter 11 restructuring and is quite possibly not going to be able to continue or complete the job. What are you telling prospective buyers? I’m sure it’s difficult to sell homes when you aren’t quite sure when you’re going to complete a significant component of the community.

With all due respect Bob, a gift of two passes to the Santa Clarita Aquatic Center (for which we had already purchased passes because of the delays) is hardly fair compensation for the lack of a facility at which our family of four can recreate this summer. I won’t even go into the completely inappropriate optional offer of passes for two of us to queue up to get splashed at a crowded water park!

When Lennar sold us our condo, we anticipated that our family would have access to a pool and clubhouse at a location that we could walk or bike to, that offered hours of operation that were convenient to us. We anticipated that our family would be able to take a morning or evening swim or soak in the spa. We anticipated that we would have access to a pool that would not be accessible to every person from the greater Santa Clarita area who could pay the entry fee.

Instead what you have offered us are passes for two to an essentially public pool that is four and a half miles away, has limited hours, no clubhouse and no spa. We’re sorry to seem cynical, Bob, but this simply isn’t a very fair deal. When we purchased a condo from Lennar we were expressly told that there would be a recreation center available to us in our community this summer.

That you would offer this “gift” as compensation for not having “Delivered as Promised,” as the slogan of your recently purchased subsidiary Newhall Land says, is beyond ridiculous and unfair. Forgive us if this letter seems a tad curt, Bob. You might imagine that we were annoyed when we found out that our family of four would not have a community recreation center this summer as advertised. Can you imagine our anger at being offered passes for two to a public pool in return? Is this the “Logic of Lennar?”

Seriously, this is just as much about the value of our homes and the stability of the community as it is about the pool. I’m sure you’ll agree that we have a right to expect delivery on what we were sold. We’re very interested in hearing your thoughts at your earliest convenience. Best wishes for a very lovely summer.

Sincerely,

nopoopzone @ 2008-06-28T05:11:00

2008-06-28T12:34:13Z

This is the day we planned our east coast trip around.

At 10:30 AM we'll cast off from Rye Harbor, NH for the Isle of Shoals - otherwise known as Appledore Island. This Island in the Gulf of Maine is the home of Shoals Marine Laboratory and is also the place where we scattered my father's ashes in 1997. Today we're bringing my mother's ashes there for scattering. Sweet Irma died in October but I've waited until now for the weather to warm up here.

We've been on a road trip that included Vermont and Western Massachusetts. I've scattered some of her ashes in places along the way that meant a lot to her. We climbed to Dear Leap in the Green Mountains and walked the grounds of Emily Dickinson's house in Amherst, Massachusetts; both places she visited and loved. The visit to Emily's house was the most emotional for me thus far. It just felt right. Mom was a bird lover. I followed a jay as it hopped into the woods and scattered some remains where it took off. I know I sensed my mom relaxing when I did that.

I'm curious as to what my emotions will be like today. L and I will be with our friends David and Flora with whom we've been traveling. We'll also be joined by my brother Joe and his girlfriend of quite a few years, Paula. So far, I've felt like I've had the emotional ground to myself but I'm happy that Joe will get his chance to say goodbye too.

Several emotional layers were added a few days ago when my friend Jerry died after a long bout with cancer. Jerry was a close friend of both David and I. Jerry and I had had a falling out but had patched it up as recently as this year. Dave had remained in contact with him throughout and had been to Jerry's recent book release party. He had tried over the years to get Jerry and me to clear the air and we did partly due to his efforts.

It's ironic that David and I were together when I got the call from Jerry's sister. Dave and I live on opposite sides of the country and it was only for the trip to scatter my mom's ashes that we were in the same place at the same time.

When we climbed Deer Leap in Vermont we built a small stone cairn for Jerry right next to Leda's cairn for AJRose93.

It's been some week I tell you.

Thanks for reading the scattered thoughts.

nopoopzone @ 2008-06-23T20:03:00

2008-06-24T03:04:18Z

What a bunch of crappy irony!

I don't even know where to begin... I don't think I'm going to try at this moment...

All I can say is this year has begun to wear out its welcome. Another person who was very dear to me has died. I'm tired of this.

I knew he was sick... He's been sick for a few years... But this came like a kick in the balls.

Jerry was a collaborator and an inspiration.

What a fucking tragedy that he died when he was just getting going. What utterly unfair bullshit!

The Untimely Death of an Extraordinary Man

Super Bob Bon

2008-06-16T17:18:02Z

I didn't know this video existed. Made my day! Now I can get to work. I wonder were I can find those tall pants. Big and Tall Shop?

memememememememmmmmmmmme

2008-06-16T15:03:20Z

Fucking memes... I hate them and have vowed in the past not to indulge in them. After all... If you don't have anything to say, why let some stupid fortune cookie thing speak for you? And after all... I ganked this from the millionth one of my friends that has it in their journal so I'm not even an original meme-er.

That having been said....

Based on the lj interests lists of those who share my more unusual interests, the interests suggestion meme thinks I might be interested in
1. elections score: 6
2. congress score: 5
3. sex workers rights score: 5
4. human waste project score: 5
5. community building score: 4
6. national security score: 4
7. lili haydn score: 4
8. plain fried rice score: 4
9. tobey torres score: 4
10. paz lenchantin score: 4
11. hillary clinton score: 4
12. college republicans score: 4
13. perry farrell score: 4
14. moon theory score: 4
15. aimless driving score: 4
16. bad 80s music score: 4
17. lipstick lesbians score: 4
18. ramones covers score: 4
19. porno for pyros score: 4
20. binging and purging score: 4

Here's what I have to say about the results....

Yes to the elelctions... Yes to congress... I am politics junkie after all. Hells yeah to Sex Worker's Rights....

The human waste project? What is that and does it have anything to do with that awful "Two Girls One Cup" video?

Community building? Sure... Why not....

National security... Hmm... That one scares me... I guess it depends on what you're doing in the name of national security....

Absofuckinglutely NO to Plain Fried Rice! It MUST have all the goodies in it.

Who are lili haydn, tobey torres and paz lenchantin???? Until I find out I say NONONONO!

I'm only interested in college republicans or hillary clinton if the College republicans are being chased by a steamroller crewed by naked sex crazed college democrats while hillary is strapped to a pole at the top of the steamroller like a sail with a ballgag in her mouth and the whole thing is being propelled by her hot air... I just free-associated that and I'm not going to delete it... I don't care if it's stupid....

Perry Farrel, moon theory, aimless driving and bad 80's music... yes, sure, absolutely and uh huh....

Lipstick Lesbians.... You betcha!

Porno for Pyros and anything to do with the Ramones is a YES.

And lastly... Binging and purging.... No so much.

Sorry I didn't hide this behind a cut.

But I didn't.

nopoopzone @ 2008-06-14T23:12:00

2008-06-15T06:14:36Z

The Beatles Photoshop Contest

Hank Williams Junior Jr. the Cover Boiee

2008-06-13T00:17:01Z

Create Fake Magazine Covers with your own picture at MagMyPic.com

sorry...

2008-06-12T14:29:00Z

Sorry for having posted a movie that auto-plays. It was annoying to me that it played every time I visited my own journal. Problem fixed.

Coming to a Television Near You

2008-06-11T20:20:25Z

It occurs to me that I haven't posted some very big news. In a couple of months it will be possible for me (and you) to go to the local video store, iTunes, or OnDemand and view something that I spent a year and change of my life on...

"Permanent Vacation," directed by my very good friend Scott Peake and edited by me, will hit shelves/interwebs/cable boxes everywhere. After shopping it around for a year, Scott has found a great home-video distribution deal. Finally... I'm going to get paid!

You can go put it on your Netflix Queue now.

Wooot!!!!!

All We Are Saying...

2008-06-11T14:49:49Z

Is Give Pits a Chance....

Adopt a Pit-head today.

nopoopzone @ 2008-06-09T10:46:00

2008-06-09T17:48:48Z

Of course, my edit system went down ON the day I started to cut a project that has a deadline. I'm sick of being an I.T. guy just so I can do a little editing.

My assistant, Richard was chugging along digitizing footage. After about three hours of footage (out of 40) the system starts acting all ass-like. Refusing to pass audio along to my speakers, freezing, footage is getting corrupted.... Restart, restart, restart, restart.... Then nothing. Start and crash.

My system is a few years old. Its AppleCare agreement has expired. I can't afford the $6500 to buy a sexy new Intel Xeon 8-core Mac Pro tower. I spent all day Saturday trying to find a field tech that was available on short notice. They get abut $85/hr and this was going to be a long process. By the time all was said and done I'd probably be in for a grand.

Of course no one was going to be available until Tuesday. I decided to take the issue into my own hands. I spent the entire weekend backing up and wiping my system drive, installing fresh versions of the operating system and working software (installing final cut is akin to installing World of Warcraft.... Don't ask me how I know that...

So anyhow... as of last night, I was back in business. Saved myself at least a grand. Did it with a bare minimum of drama.

I'm digitizing as we speak. Started from scratch to minimize the possibilities of corrupted footage so I have a few days of work just to get the bulk of the master footage in and sent off to the client in DVD form.

Did I say I was happy as hell to be working?

Can anyone translate?

2008-05-23T15:21:57Z

I'm sure this is snarky biology talk but it could also be botany.

I found this on a myspace that I saw as part of a project I'm working on...

quote:

I'm looking for a man to photophosphorylate me all night long. - w4m

"I will fondle your vesicles while you caress my golgi body. My stroma is leaking all over the place. We can do it in the alpha or beta configuration, whichever you prefer. You whip me with your flagellum, tubulin subunits flying everywhere. We can make a mess as I've hired some lysosomes to clean up after. Please have a smooth endoplasmic reticulum but know that I like it rough, if you know what I mean. I also prefer my ribosomes bound… tight. Spin me round with your basal body and make sure it's turgid. Pump me up and down your concentration gradient, letting the chemiosmosis take control. I can go both ways, just like an amphipathic phospholipid. Do you like aerobic respiration as much as I do?

Let me know if this makes you secrete."

I don't know why but I'm fascinated by this. Something about turgid basal bodies.....

E

God Loves Guns

2008-05-21T17:01:32Z

Welcome back to Santa Clarita, CA. A fine place to raise your family.

Don't get me wrong... I think guns are very interesting mechanisms but gun culture is getting out of hand. Maybe it always was and I just didn't notice it because I was living where only criminals had guns.

That is all... Carry on.

Official Spnsors

2008-04-09T19:10:27Z

The following is a link to the list of official sponsors of the 2008 Olympics. We're not going to sell L's Beetle and I'm not going to throw out my Samsung DLP screen or the Panasonic products I currently have but I am going to boycott all of these from here on out. Furthermore, I'm not going to watch the Olympics.

I never like that floor dancing shit anyhow.

Free Tibet!

http://en.beijing2008.cn/bocog/sponsors/sponsors/d

nopoopzone @ 2008-03-19T17:00:00

2008-03-20T00:15:46Z

I had an angiogram today. If you don't know what that is.... They nick a little cut in your groin and stick a catheter up inside you to look around for signs of coronary artery disease... Blockages... Plaque... you name it.

Bottom line is that I don't have much or any of the above but the pre-tests showed that my Type II diabetes and my cholesterol are way out of whack. No steak or zoo zoo's and wham wham's for me.

What really sucks is that I have to go to back to my primary care physician and he sucks. I get no warm fuzzy feeling of confidence from him. Meanwhile, I want to know why I feel so crappy and low energy and why I get out of breath tying my shoes. If it's not my heart, wtf is it?

Exsanguination

2008-03-17T16:12:02Z

It occurs to me that I'm going to be bleeding a lot this week. Angiogram on Wednesday and big, huge tattoo (#3) on Saturday. What's an aging, mid-life crisis man to do? Stop the fish oil and aspirin tabs I suppose.

Thank you Badrobot68

2008-03-17T16:04:59Z

Thanks to badrobot68 for the heads-up about X being on tour. I just got tickets for ledasgirl and I (and me?) to see them on April 10 at the Music Box. April is going to be a live music month. Given that we NEVER get to see any live shows, two shows in a month is nothing short of orgasmic.

On the 30th we're seeing Mike Doughty at the El Rey. Besides being the source of several of my posts and part of my profile, he always puts on a great show.

I hope Mike doesn't tell that story about William Hung again. Last time it turned out badly.